A Gals Guide: how NOT to kill weeds.


Timing: It’s of utmost importance!  The best time to put weed killer on your lawn is THAT time of month. Yes, the crankier, crampier and more irritable the better.  And the best time of day is that moment when you say to yourself, “The kids are at school, it’s nice and quiet, I think I’m going to lay in the hammock and read.”  Squash that thought and start dressing to kill weeds!

Dress:  Choose the most air-tight rain jacket you own. Next pair it with fur-lined winter boots and a sweet-looking pair of chemistry-class goggles.  You’re ready to go!

Equipment:  Choose a much-kinking hose. First have your son twist it in knots so that once you have the weed killer in it’s handy dandy spray bottle (costs extra folks) you can stand on your front lawn, sweating buckets and cursing at your hose while you try to work 20 kinks out of it.

Technique: You’re probably not doing it right unless weed killer is pouring out in buckets and then suddenly the water goes white.  If this is what’s happening, proceed.  Spray your entire lawn and do not wonder why the chemical level isn’t budging.  Once you’ve sprayed the entire lawn check to make sure the inside “straw” is disconnected….yes? Perfect!  You’re ready to reconnect the straw and take another sweltering walk around the yard.

Continue on to the back yard, but don’t disconnect your hose, just try to see if it can stretch around to the back.  When it doesn’t and it gets hooked on every possible crack, nook and cranny, it’s probably best to disconnect and reconnect in the back yard. 

It’s best to work alone so that each time the hose kinks you can walk all the way across the yard to unkink it yourself.  

You should have measured the square footage of your lawn and determined the exact amount of weed killer to put on your lawn. When you get the perfect equation, double it because you ARE going to run out!  But hey, then you’ll get to dress up in your sweat suit (literal) and do it all again!

Finally, please take it from me.  CALL THE PROFESSIONALS!!!!!

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