I cried a lot in church today. I felt lonely and very much unpursued. I started thinking about all the people in my life that I’ve pursued; my Dad who left my life through divorce when I was two. I was always the one to try to reach out to him for relationship through the years. God, wanting to hear him or see him I’ve plead with Him “please God, I just want to hear your voice.” My exhusband, though by the time I met him I had made up my mind not to be the pursuer and wait for him to pursue me…I must say I did a lot of coaxing when it came to marriage and then again when it was time to make up our minds about having children. I pursue with neighbors by inviting them to parties or getting involved in the neighborhood association etc. I pursue with friendships, if you’ve known me any short length of time you’ve probably been invited to a birthday party, play date or girl’s night out. I’m constantly inviting and including.
So, shouldn’t I be surrounded by tons of people and be enjoying depth of friendship and relationship? Sometimes it feels like I’m very much alone. Today as I sat in church and reflected on all the ways I pursue, my heart hurt when I asked God, “why am I not pursuable?” Why am I the one always inviting and seeking out others? Why don’t they pursue me? It really made me very sad.
But as my pastor spoke I was reminded of another woman who pursued God, just like I did. It was the woman with the issue of blood. Matthew 9:20 says: “And, behold, a woman, which was diseased with an issue of blood twelve years, came behind him, and touched the hem of his garment.” I won’t go into to all the social stigmas this woman faced because of her issue and the cultural issues involved in her pursuit of Jesus. But I will just say that this was a woman with a serious issue that kept her in a very lonely place for twelve years of her life. When her chance for freedom and healing came by in the form of Jesus, she pursued it!!! She got her healing and her freedom.
When this woman came to mind, God reminded me that through my pursuit of Him, my my kids, my friends, I’ve received them all into my life as blessings. I had to then ask myself if it mattered who pursued whom, as long as they are in my life today?
God reminded me of a gifts assessment I took a year ago, which says that I am a leader, social, hospitable, inspiring and influencing. Pursuit is my gift. Seeking out and including others is what I do naturally. I reminded myself today that in pursuing others I make others feel special, included, wanted and loved. When I feel lonely and unpursued I can allow those feelings of loneliness and unwantedness to fuel my strengths by not wanting others to feel that way. It gives me a glimpse of what others may feel so that I can use my gifts to reach out to them.
I desire to be pursued, we all do. But I will not believe the lie that I am unwanted or unpursuable. If I do own those lies I will push people who do pursue me away and get into a sabotaging mission to prove what I believe about myself is true. God pursues me daily. My children DEFINITELY pursue me. My family and friends pursue me. That’s the truth and what I choose to believe.
Do you know what you’re gifts are? The thing you do really well for others and do you sometimes wish others would express that gift towards you?