Genesis 12: 1-3 “Now the Lord had said unto Abram, get thee out of thy country, and from thy kindred, and from thy father’s house, unto a land that I will shew thee: And I will make of thee a great nation, and I will bless thee, and make thy name great; and thou shalt be a blessing: And I will bless them that bless thee, and curse him that curseth thee: and in thee shall all families of the earth be blessed.”
I’m at a crossroads. The life that I had is gone through divorce. I’m left raising my kids 50% of the time on my own. I’m no longer a stay-at-home mom. I thought I loved the life I had, but looking back I wasn’t content. I wrestled with impatience, jealousy in my marriage, comparing myself to others, competition, anger, being overwhelmed, feeling unloved & unworthy, feeling shame and guilt when I would miss it with my husband and kids.
Still, I view marriage and family life as a place to work out all those ugly things about us, with people who have pledged to stay in covenant with us, or who love us unconditionally. So even though I was struggling, I was still growing and loved my marriage and family.
Sometimes I believe that God is whispering about my marriage, “Do you think I can fix this?” and I reluctantly say yes. In those moments I believe that I won’t be released from my ex-husband until he marries again. Other times I don’t believe it can be fixed and that I have biblical grounds to move on. I’ve dated men since my divorce. I will say, it takes up a ton of emotional energy. To find someone that you love, are attracted to AND desires to follow Christ the same way seems impossible.
Today before reading Gen. 12:1-3 I was doing a study by John Bevere called Driven by Eternity. The question in the study was “What is keeping you from serving God fully?” This feeling of dread creeps over my head and heart as I consider that the thing that is keeping me from fully serving God right now is me wanting God to either heal my old marriage or give me a new one. I want a restored family. I want a teammate. Yet I know my prayer should be “Not my will but yours be done.” Luke 22:42 I laid my head on the table and wept, this is going to be hard God. I can’t imagine, don’t want and dread the thought of a life without a husband.
Then I open the Word and I have highlighted Gen. 12:1-3. God called Abram to leave almost everything he knew; his country, his extended family and the comfort and provision of his father’s house. He was going to start again. He was to follow God to where He told him to go. If He did those things God was going to bless Him beyond what he could imagine!
Abram had to decide to stay where he was, in the comfort of what he KNEW or to have faith in God through the UNKNOWN. God promised Him wonderful things but he’d have to trust Him to get the blessings. He already knew what He had. He was surrounded by family, He was under his father’s house, provision and protection. He had to have faith that what God said was true.
What I’ve experienced in relationships thus far is yes, pleasure, fun, the birth of children, security, love, warmth, validation etc. But I have also experienced pain, rejection, disappointment, broken-heartedness, frustration, limit etc. But I’ve KNOWN relationship and I KNOW I get at least some of what my heart desires. I am living under the lie of the fear of being alone with no one to share my most intimate moments with. YET…God. The truth is, I am NEVER alone, Heb. 13:5. The truth is I am whole, Col. 2:10. The truth is I am victorious 1 Cor. 15:57. The truth is He has good plans for me, Jer. 29:11.
I have to fight to keep my eyes on Jesus, like Peter in Matthew 14:22-32. In a storm Jesus walks on water to the boat where the disciples are. The disciples think it’s a ghost! Jesus tells them it is Him and Peter asks Him to prove it by telling him to walk on water too. Jesus tells Peter to join Him. He starts to walk out, but then, when he takes His eyes off of Jesus, he begins to sink, this is what I do. I’m alone with Jesus, in His presence and truly believe that I need nothing else to make my life happy and whole. Then I take a look around me at happy couples and families that have what I used to have and I begin to sink. My prayer; “Please Jesus, when I start to look away from your beautiful eyes, will you please call me back to you with your gorgeous voice and remind me of the promises that you have for me!? I’m sinking!!! I can’t see the victorious future you have for me, all I can see are these storms around me and a forecasted future of loneliness and chaos that waits to attack me at every turn! Help me keep my eyes on you! Amen”
Not many have felt the exhilaration of walking on water. The total security in being with the Savior who is able to keep you safe in a storm. And Abraham! In Genesis 13:14 God tells him to look all around him and says that He will give it all to him and his future generations! He promised to give this man who thought he would be without children to give him more children than the sands of the Earth or the stars in the sky! In Genesis 15:1 God tells Abraham that He is his shield and his great reward. In Genesis 24:1 it says that God blessed him in all things. In both cases the men were blessed because of their faith. They didn’t allow fear to stop them from following what God had told them to do. They didn’t walk their walk perfectly, but they followed after God in faith, and each were blessed.
Here is a scene from the movie “The Shack” that I feel illustrates how easy it is to take our eyes off Jesus, what happens when we do, and then how Jesus rescues us when we place our faith in Him. May we keep our eyes on the loving eyes of Jesus and trust in His marvelous plans for our lives.